If you follow this blog on Facebook or Instagram, you know that I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus right here lately. With this blog post, I hope to offer you a further explanation and an apology as to why I’ve been gone for so long.
If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you probably know that I’ve gone through the 40 Day Prayer Challenge from Mark Batterson. That devotional is actually what inspired me to start this blog to begin with. So I went through the whole devotional and made a lot of breakthroughs in both my regular and spiritual life. All that was great, until last year, around this time, actually, I was approached by someone about a certain situation that I felt very uncomfortable with.
At first, it didn’t really mean anything to me, so I just kinda brushed it off like it was nothing. But every now and then this person would keep bringing this matter up to me, until all the sudden, it was all I could think about. Finally one night, I couldn’t sleep at all because of the tremendous amount of anxiety I felt from this situation. All of these different, horrible scenarios were playing in my head as to what could happen, and I was terrified. I knew it didn’t feel right, but doubts continued to flood my mind as I laid there struggling with my thoughts. I prayed and prayed that if the Lord didn’t want me to get involved in this, that He would grant me peace. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, my prayer was answered, and I immediately felt calm.
So the Lord has given me peace in my decision to not get involved with what this person wanted me to do. I was freed from the situation — or so I thought. Just a few months ago, this person approached me yet again about this situation, and I froze. I just froze. I couldn’t do anything to tell that person about what the Lord had told me, or about the peace He had given me. Before I could try to pull myself together and attempt to say something, they were already gone.
I didn’t realize it then, but I now understand that I was allowing my fear to cripple my confidence in what God did for me. I was still terrified of all the different scenarios I had playing out in my head that one restless night. I was scared of how this person would respond to the fact that I wasn’t going to do what they wanted me to. It seemed so silly and irrational, because it’s not like this was a horrible person who was out to get me. This person was a fellow believer, for crying out loud! But still, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
After that, the fear grew like a cancer, trying its best to squeeze the life out of my faith. Then it began to effect my worship. It changed me and made me a mere shadow of who I was before all this started. It consumed my every waking thought as I went throughout the day. I would try and try to give it up to God, but I would always end up taking it right back. It got so bad that I was trying my best to deny it even bothered me that it was almost all I could think about.
Then a couple of weeks ago, my mom, as she always does in her gentle but very sincere way, addressed the proverbial “elephant in the room.” She said, “Katee, something is bothering you deep down. I don’t know what it is, but you need to address it, take this to God, and leave it with Him.”
I selfishly didn’t want to admit it at the time, but I knew she was right. I knew it was time to abandon this irrational fear and to set things right with the Lord. Yes, I said the Lord, not the person I’ve been talking about. At least not yet. Not before I brought the whole situation back to God and addressed it directly. I had allowed this fear to choke out my faith for too long. I let myself slip away from God. He didn’t remove Himself from me. That was all on me, and I knew it. Now I understand that God is using this situation to bring me back to Him, stronger than ever.
My purpose in telling you this, my dear readers, is to apologize to you and to those around me for abandoning the purpose of this blog: to live faith out loud. I allowed my faith to wither for so long, and I have not been a good example. The trouble was, I hadn’t been reading The Word and praying to God like I should have been. I’m not perfect, no, but the purpose behind this blog to be an inspiration for you all to pursue God with your whole heart. While I failed to do that during this hiatus, I promise I will use the courage, peace, and strength the Lord has given me to do so for as long as I possibly can.
The other purpose behind telling you this story is to show that no matter what your circumstance is or how irrational, how horrible, or how debilitating it may seem, you can be sure that the Lord is intending to make your faith and trust in Him all the stronger. Through Him, we no longer have to be slaves to fear. The Bible says in Romans 8:37 that “…we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.”
Friend, He loves you. Far more than you or I could possibly imagine. But if we allow our faith to be crippled by fear, we cannot truly say that we confident of who He says we are. We are His children, and it is my sincere hope and prayer that you never, ever lose sight of that.
The Bible tells us that David was a man after God’s own heart. In Psalm 16:8 David writes, “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.” If we are to truly know God and seek His will, we must be diligent to get in His presence. Now, this doesn’t mean just carving out some time in the morning to read the Bible. This means we should set our minds on the Lord in every task though out the day, no matter how mundane it may seem. Depending on how you do them, every action can be an act of worship (1 Cor. 10:31, Col. 3:17). Let’s keep our God ever before us, and allow our faith and hope in Him to outweigh our fears.